Stories by John Buckley
Personally Speaking
SILLY POEMS
Written for the humour they may contain and not,
I’m sorry to say, the literary form. Some are childish. Well, they all are probably. Like this one….
He sat in his bath of HP sauce
The vinegar from the tap running at a trickle
There were onions and tomatoes between his toes
And the mustard on his bum made him tickle;
It hadn’t bothered him to begin with
But now he was worried just a little
He fished out a gherkin and said to his wife
To be honest love I’m in a bit of a pickle.
…and this
I don’t want newspaper cut like lacework
In delicate patterns and detail
If I want my news on a fancy napkin
Then I’d buy the Doyley Mail
Now you have the idea.
They are for children of all ages
until a bit later
BLUEBOTTLE 1
I know you cannot understand why I know it must hurt your feelings That we try to splatter you Across the windows and the ceilings Well’ I’m afraid you’ll never know A rolled up newspaper sees to...
THE DANGER OF DIETS
She followed a diet with no sugar She followed a diet with no fat She followed a diet with no carbs So how’d she cope with that? Well, they found she had no vitamins And they found she had no...
BLUEBOTTLE 2
Bluebottle, Bluebottle: Take that! Take that! Take that! Bluebottle, Bluebottle; Spat, splat, splat.
COLLECTING ANIMALS
I was out in darkest Africa Seeking animals for my zoo When from behind a rock Leapt an elephant who said BOO! I was somewhat taken aback I couldn’t believe my eyes “W-Who are you?” I stammered....
EXPRESSIONS
I’m keeping up with the Joneses I’ve kissed the Blarney stone I’ve seen the error of my ways And I’ll give the dog a bone I’m a knight in shining armour In the twinkling of an eye I’ve jumped on the...
GUESS WHO’S COMING TONIGHT
It’s Christmas Eve, A minute to midnight. You should be excited, But something’s not right. You’re nowhere near sleepy And your eyes should be shut tight There’s something creepy, About the house...
YAKKETY GRAN
Natter Natter Natter Natter Natter Natter Natter My gran could talk night and day Chatter Chatter Chatter Chatter Chatter Chatter Chatter It she ever stops it’s only because She’s trying to think of...
TWO ROYAL SHORTIES
The Duke of Edinburgh lit the grill At the royal barbeque on the green He turned to the honoured guests and said “Gentlemen, let us toast the Queen.” * From Queens Club no we have a tennis score for...
OLD McDONALD (The real story)
Old McDonald had a farm And on that farm there was a cow Who hadn’t learned to moo She simply didn’t know how So old McDonald had to show her “I want a moo moo here A moo moo there I want a moo moo,...
WHAT’S IN A NAME?
She was called Festerbestertester And embarrassed by her name For her classmates laughed at her And she held her parents to blame. “Oh, mum why couldn’t you have picked Sue or Sharon or Sam or...
MEN IN WHITE COATS
Sometimes scientists go too far And what they do isn’t nice Like crossing a cat and a parrot To make a carrot that chases mice Now scientists down our way Got my Uncle Jim in a tiz By crossing an...
ZOOS AT NIGHT
The best time to go to the zoo Is just after it closes But before it gets dark is wise You can always take a peek in But it’s better if you sneak in And remember your disguise Because that’s the...
THE THING ABOUT THE THINGS ABOUT
The thing about air Is that it blows all about And if you breathe in Then you must also breathe out Because if you breathe in And forget to stop You’ll just get bigger and bigger And eventually...
A little bit more adult…
COWS (A joke in rhyme) There was I thinking cows were friendly And never got in a bad moo-ed. But I don’t think there’s a funny side now I’ve seen the change in their attitude. I was walking across...
SHAKESPEAREAN POEMS
There was a young girl called Cymbeline Who was every man’s midsummer night’s dream Though two gents from Verona Preferred Desdemona Who’d perform as you like it, it seems * ...
A Quick Limerick
There’s a buxom girl in Chester Whose breasts are clearly the best-er She’ll let you feel To see if they’re real And if you politely request her
COPENHAGEN
The Second of April, 1801 Nelson’s greatest victory fought and won: Copenhagen. You’ll have heard the story, How he turned a blind eye to all but glory. The most audacious act in naval history....
BLUES SONGS (A little dated now, sorry)
1: PLATFORM BLUES There’s a mean train a coming It should be rolling round the bend Cept, it ain’t never left the station And I’m stuck here till the end Mmmm MMM mm Oh yeah You treated me wrong...
THE CHURCH FETE WORSE THAN DEATH
The boys scouts are demonstrating their knots The WI serving lukewarm tea all day There are flies already round the cake stall And the tombola for some bath salts is under way; The curate has...
EAGER BEAVER
My woman’s got an eager beaver It’s certainly very keen It always wants to come and play And she keeps it very clean. She says it is her duty To keep her beaver well prepared You never know when it...
THE CARTOGRAPHER
I have been commissioned by HMG To map your beauty for all to see With specific reference to The scenic routes from A to B My knowledge must be intimate To every inch and its fraction Because the...
Not Thinking Of You
My stories, short and long, are mostly humorous, as indeed are my occasional poems and lyrics and my proudest boast is that my words – serious this time – won a competition in Nashville where they were turned into a song by a recording studio. Have a listen. The opening is a bit turgid, but stick with it and Not Thinking Of You soon becomes one of the finest country and western songs ever produced. No, really.
Not Thinking of You
by John Buckley
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