I rubbed the lamp, a genie appeared
He said I had one wish and I thought that’s weird
In the stories I’ve read it’s always three
He said, well, it ain’t with me.
I’m a meanie genie.
One wish is all you get: take it or leave it.
One wish I said, that’s all I need
To get absolute power for my absolute greed
He said C’mon you’re not that clever
I said, ahh, but it will go on forever
Because I’m an arty-smarty
Here’s my wish and you’d better believe it…
I wish for three more wishes!
I was out in darkest Africa
Seeking animals for my zoo
When from behind a rock
Leapt an elephant who said BOO!
I was somewhat taken aback
I couldn’t believe my eyes
“W-Who are you?” I stammered.
“Ah,” he said: “I am the elephant of surprise.”
I came across two large birds
Reading Shakespeare over a carcass
You just can’t get the food
For we’d prefer petit de foie gras
But if you have access to Google
We suggest you con-sult yours
You’ll find we are a very rare
Mating pair of culture vul-tures
Africa’s a dangerous place
I found a woman close to death’s door
She was sweet and middle aged
But lying amid blood and gore
She had been hunted down and savaged
And I suspected it was a cheetah
But with her dying breath she told me
It was a favourite-aunt eater.
In the middle of the night I heard it
The sound I wanted in my zoo
Parp parp, Toot toot, parp parp
And Toot toot, Parp parp, Toot toot
What can it be? I asked all puzzled
But my guide declared, I Know!
For I have often listened to the call
Of the wild two-horned rhino.
Bluebottle, Bluebottle: Take that! Take that! Take that!
Bluebottle, Bluebottle; Spat, splat, splat.
She followed a diet with no sugar
She followed a diet with no fat
She followed a diet with no carbs
So how’d she cope with that?
Well,
they found she had no vitamins
And they found she had no protein
They found she had no minerals
And was thinner than she’d ever been.
Then
She got by without any fibre
She got by without any salt
She didn’t create any energy
And when she died it was all her own fault.
So
She slipped away quietly
Not the way most people feared
She was dieting right to the end
Upon which
she simply
disappeared
There was a man from Beirut
Who said, “I don’t give a hoot!
I’ll keep plucking my owl
As if it were fowl
There! Now it’s as bald as a coot.”
*
The new Bishop of Newport Pagnall
Could only move on the diagonal
But when he met his flock
He left them in shock
By walking down the aisle zig-zaganal
*
A bad tempered man from Fife
Found his marital rows running rife
She wouldn’t shut up, he said.
So he shot her, now she’s dead
Anything for a quiet wife
Stop work on the chocolate plane,
screamed the engineer in a panic
We have done all the tests and
It’s just not Aero-dynamic
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