YAKKETY GRAN

Natter Natter Natter Natter Natter Natter Natter

My gran could talk night and day

Chatter Chatter Chatter Chatter Chatter Chatter Chatter

It she ever stops it’s only because

She’s trying to think of something to say

Yakkity Yakkity Yakkity Yakkity Yakkity

She’d talk for England if she could

Clackety Clackety Clackety Clackety Clackety

And now I come to think of it

England wishes she would

We’d beat Brazil home and away

Germany wouldn’t stand a chance

We’d thrash Portugal and Argentina

And win nine-nil against France.

She’d run rings around Russia

Prattling on like she’s insane

She’d even learn to gossip in Spanish

If it meant getting the better of Spain

She’d talk the hind leg off a donkey

She doesn’t need to practice much

And she be twice as good as Holland

Because she talks double-Dutch

And after we beat Italy

In the final of the Talking World Cup

She’d say she was just getting started

And had no intention of shutting up

But sometime she’d have to retire

And she wouldn’t scream or squawk

Because she’s landed a job

As assistant manager of TalkTalk

GUESS WHO’S COMING TONIGHT

It’s Christmas Eve,

A minute to midnight.

You should be excited,

But something’s not right.

You’re nowhere near sleepy

And your eyes should be shut tight

There’s something creepy,

About the house tonight.

A slow frost and a weak moon

The night’s in no rush

Nothing’s out of place just a weird

Unsettling, spine shivery, hush.

THE DOOR!

The bedroom door begins to open.

Creaking just a little

Someone does not want to wake you

But you are alert

You catch your breath

It is someone you know?

Is it? Is it?

A dark figure

In a dark cloak

Under a dark hood.

And you cannot see his face

He’s getting closer, closer

Your eyes are drawn to his sleeves

Something slowly, slowly emerges

His hands,

HIS HANDS!

They catch the light from the moon

You can see them now

They glisten

They are metal

The fingers are long and sharp as bayonets

They would rip out your throat

Or probe your brain through your eyes

Or tear out your heart.

They are not hands, they are talons

He laughs. Not ho-ho-ho

But Aaaahh-ha-ha.

A cackle.

And you try to scream, but you can’t

His hands are above you now

And you know, Oh yes you know

In that moment of deathly pause

As he reaches down for your face

It’s Santa Claws.

 

MY DOG

I throw the ball, my dog brings it back

I throw the ball, my dog brings it back

I throw the ball, my dog brings it back

Go after go after go and still more goes

I throw the ball, my dog brings it back

I throw the ball, my dog brings it back

I throw the ball, my dog brings it back

I wished I’d taught him to play dominoes

I play a five, he plays a three

I play a two he plays a four

I play a blank, he plays a five

He doesn’t seem to have much trouble

I play a four, he plays a two,

I play a six he plays a three

I play a blank, he plays a one

And he ends up with a double.

My dog beat me at dominoes

My dog beat me at dominoes

My dog beat me at dominoes

I repeat it so I’ll believe it

My dog beat me at dominoes

He was getting out the dartboard

But I said, if you don’t mind I think I’ll leave it

 

GLUE

So what was he, er, doing when he, er….

“Died? There’s no need to be obtuse

He was screaming at a tube of glue

Saying it was ugly and of no use

That everything it tried to stick

Was certain to come lose

Then he keeled over – dead –

Another victim of solvent abuse.”

HIPPO

When I took my hippo to Tesco

He hadn’t been fed for a while

And he gobbled up a customer

When we reached the Fresh Food aisle.

I squirmed with embarrassment

And tried to apologise

But the manager was angry

Said: “I can’t believe my eyes.

“We’ll need a mop and bucket

“Look at the mess he’s made.

“It wouldn’t be so bad,

“But the bloke hadn’t even paid.

“Because of your hungry hippo

“I’ll have to telephone his wife.

“And explain how the weekly groceries

“Had cost her husband’s life.

“The woman is entitled to expect

‘Extra clubcard points at least

“It’s the little extra that helps

“When you are eaten by wild beasts.

“We like to boast at Tesco,

“There’s no savage animals in store.

“It hits our custom  very hard.

“When there’s bodies on the floor.

“If you have to die while in Tesco

“We’d want it to be pain free.

“So why don’t you take your hippo,

“And do your shopping at Aldi?”

EXPRESSIONS

I’m keeping up with the Joneses

I’ve kissed the Blarney stone

I’ve seen the error of my ways

And I’ll give the dog a bone

I’m a knight in shining armour

In the twinkling of an eye

I’ve jumped on the bandwagon

And I keep my powder dry

I’m all at sixes and sevens

At the drop of a hat

As sure as eggs are eggs

I’m as blind as a bat

I may play second fiddle

But I’m always as pleased as Punch

To swallow my pride

And eat the ploughman’s lunch

This is a fine kettle of fish

I need to pour cold water on

I live my life by expressions

When all is said and done