by admin | Jan 31, 2021 | Personally Speaking
Natter Natter Natter Natter Natter Natter Natter
My gran could talk night and day
Chatter Chatter Chatter Chatter Chatter Chatter Chatter
It she ever stops it’s only because
She’s trying to think of something to say
Yakkity Yakkity Yakkity Yakkity Yakkity
She’d talk for England if she could
Clackety Clackety Clackety Clackety Clackety
And now I come to think of it
England wishes she would
We’d beat Brazil home and away
Germany wouldn’t stand a chance
We’d thrash Portugal and Argentina
And win nine-nil against France.
She’d run rings around Russia
Prattling on like she’s insane
She’d even learn to gossip in Spanish
If it meant getting the better of Spain
She’d talk the hind leg off a donkey
She doesn’t need to practice much
And she be twice as good as Holland
Because she talks double-Dutch
And after we beat Italy
In the final of the Talking World Cup
She’d say she was just getting started
And had no intention of shutting up
But sometime she’d have to retire
And she wouldn’t scream or squawk
Because she’s landed a job
As assistant manager of TalkTalk
by admin | Jan 31, 2021 | Personally Speaking
It’s Christmas Eve,
A minute to midnight.
You should be excited,
But something’s not right.
You’re nowhere near sleepy
And your eyes should be shut tight
There’s something creepy,
About the house tonight.
A slow frost and a weak moon
The night’s in no rush
Nothing’s out of place just a weird
Unsettling, spine shivery, hush.
THE DOOR!
The bedroom door begins to open.
Creaking just a little
Someone does not want to wake you
But you are alert
You catch your breath
It is someone you know?
Is it? Is it?
A dark figure
In a dark cloak
Under a dark hood.
And you cannot see his face
He’s getting closer, closer
Your eyes are drawn to his sleeves
Something slowly, slowly emerges
His hands,
HIS HANDS!
They catch the light from the moon
You can see them now
They glisten
They are metal
The fingers are long and sharp as bayonets
They would rip out your throat
Or probe your brain through your eyes
Or tear out your heart.
They are not hands, they are talons
He laughs. Not ho-ho-ho
But Aaaahh-ha-ha.
A cackle.
And you try to scream, but you can’t
His hands are above you now
And you know, Oh yes you know
In that moment of deathly pause
As he reaches down for your face
It’s Santa Claws.
by admin | Jan 31, 2021 | Personally Speaking
I throw the ball, my dog brings it back
I throw the ball, my dog brings it back
I throw the ball, my dog brings it back
Go after go after go and still more goes
I throw the ball, my dog brings it back
I throw the ball, my dog brings it back
I throw the ball, my dog brings it back
I wished I’d taught him to play dominoes
I play a five, he plays a three
I play a two he plays a four
I play a blank, he plays a five
He doesn’t seem to have much trouble
I play a four, he plays a two,
I play a six he plays a three
I play a blank, he plays a one
And he ends up with a double.
My dog beat me at dominoes
My dog beat me at dominoes
My dog beat me at dominoes
I repeat it so I’ll believe it
My dog beat me at dominoes
He was getting out the dartboard
But I said, if you don’t mind I think I’ll leave it
by admin | Jan 31, 2021 | Personally Speaking
So what was he, er, doing when he, er….
“Died? There’s no need to be obtuse
He was screaming at a tube of glue
Saying it was ugly and of no use
That everything it tried to stick
Was certain to come lose
Then he keeled over – dead –
Another victim of solvent abuse.”
by admin | Jan 31, 2021 | Personally Speaking
When I took my hippo to Tesco
He hadn’t been fed for a while
And he gobbled up a customer
When we reached the Fresh Food aisle.
I squirmed with embarrassment
And tried to apologise
But the manager was angry
Said: “I can’t believe my eyes.
“We’ll need a mop and bucket
“Look at the mess he’s made.
“It wouldn’t be so bad,
“But the bloke hadn’t even paid.
“Because of your hungry hippo
“I’ll have to telephone his wife.
“And explain how the weekly groceries
“Had cost her husband’s life.
“The woman is entitled to expect
‘Extra clubcard points at least
“It’s the little extra that helps
“When you are eaten by wild beasts.
“We like to boast at Tesco,
“There’s no savage animals in store.
“It hits our custom very hard.
“When there’s bodies on the floor.
“If you have to die while in Tesco
“We’d want it to be pain free.
“So why don’t you take your hippo,
“And do your shopping at Aldi?”
by admin | Jan 31, 2021 | Personally Speaking
I’m keeping up with the Joneses
I’ve kissed the Blarney stone
I’ve seen the error of my ways
And I’ll give the dog a bone
I’m a knight in shining armour
In the twinkling of an eye
I’ve jumped on the bandwagon
And I keep my powder dry
I’m all at sixes and sevens
At the drop of a hat
As sure as eggs are eggs
I’m as blind as a bat
I may play second fiddle
But I’m always as pleased as Punch
To swallow my pride
And eat the ploughman’s lunch
This is a fine kettle of fish
I need to pour cold water on
I live my life by expressions
When all is said and done
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