by admin | Jan 31, 2021 | Personally Speaking
I write limericks
And I write sonnets
(Together)
We are totally obsessed
We have bees in our bonnets
I have fourteen lines
And I have just five
I can make my words waltz
And I can make mine jive
My rhymes are all a joke
I am here to make you laugh
My rhymes are for lovers
Who haven’t had a bath
I can make you sigh
But I can make you grin
I can bring a tear to your eye
If I kick you on your shin
I write of red, red roses
How they open, like my heart
And how the scent of them will carry
Half the distance of a fart
I know you are from Dundee
And I yearn for your embrace
With barnacles all on one knee
And seaweed all over your face
I will write earnestly of love
I of an old woman from somewhere
And how I shall count the stars above
Waving her knickers in the air.
I will say I love you for ever
And swear I’ll always be true
We’ll always hold each other’s hand
Cos’ they’re stuck with superglue.
If music be the food of love
Then make mine a sausage roll
My hunger grows all the more
For sloppy custard in a bowl.
by admin | Jan 31, 2021 | Personally Speaking
Sometimes scientists go too far
And what they do isn’t nice
Like crossing a cat and a parrot
To make a carrot that chases mice
Now scientists down our way
Got my Uncle Jim in a tiz
By crossing an antelope and a lizard
And coming up with my Aunt Liz
There were scientists who found
They had no dessert left to eat
So they crossed a fruit bat and magpie
And their fruit pie went down a treat
They wanted a bird to dance a ballet
So crossed a toucan with a cockatoo
I don’t know if they made a dancer
But at least they’d got a tutu
There was a scientist called Old McDonald
Who took a cow and emu as a pair
And now on his farm in Scotland
He’s got moo-mus everywhere
They are checking the oddest combination
For the first signs of any hairs
Before introducing to the world
A tank of tadpolar bears
by admin | Jan 31, 2021 | Personally Speaking
She was called Festerbestertester
And embarrassed by her name
For her classmates laughed at her
And she held her parents to blame.
“Oh, mum why couldn’t you have picked
Sue or Sharon or Sam or something similar
Felicity, Fiona or Fizz
Or something quite familiar
What’s the matter with you and dad
What were you thinking at the time
It’s one thing having a stupid name
Quite another one that rhymes
Mum was stern when she replied
Don’t feel embarrassment or shame
The Festerbestertesters go back in history
And we are proud of the family name
When Julius Caesar invaded Britain
He made his capital at Cirencester
And who do you think he put in charge
Luigi Festerbestertester
Whenever Henry Xlll got married
He was entertained by his court jester
And his wives laughed their heads clean off
At Charlie Festerbestertester
There was only one man for the first Elizabeth
And he was the Earl of Leicester
And she never loved another
Until she met Shakespeare Festerbestertester
Now when Lord Nelson hit a storm
And called for his sou’wester
Who do you think brought it him
But Captain Festerbestertester
In the history of the Church of Rome
The Italians say who issa besta
The Eenglishman, they all agree,
Pope Paul Festerbestertester
And who revolutionised fashion
By inventing polyester
It wasn’t Marks or Spencer
But Professor Festerbestertester.
So you see my daughter
Why you should shout your name out loud
It’s not to be ashamed of
We have done our country proud.
Oh mum you don’t listen
I am proud of our family
I am angry you took so little thought
When you chose a name for me
All the kids take the mick
They laugh at me all the time
Because how you picked my name
So it became one long rhyme…
Mum, why did you have to call me ESTHER?
by admin | Jan 31, 2021 | Personally Speaking
Old McDonald had a farm
And on that farm there was a cow
Who hadn’t learned to moo
She simply didn’t know how
So old McDonald had to show her
“I want a moo moo here
A moo moo there
I want a moo moo, everywhere.”
And the cow said, “Oh!
“All right, I’ll give it a go.”
Now on that farm there was a goat
Who always wanted to eat
But she had never bothered to learn
How to utter a single bleat
So the farmer had to show her,
“I want a bleat, bleat here
A bleat, bleat there.
I want a bleat, bleat everywhere,`”
And goat said,”Right you are.
“It’s easy to go Baah.”
And on the farm there was a horse
So busy eating hay
She’d never learned
Between bites, horses should say “Neigh.”
So the farmer had to show her.
“I want a neigh neigh here
A neigh neigh there
I want a neigh neigh everywhere.”
And the horse said “ Right.
“I’ll do it every morning and night.”
Now on that farm there was a duck
And the farmer was taken aback
To learn the duck
Had never learned to quack.
So he had to show her.
“I want a quack, quack here.
“A quack, there there.
“I want a quack quack everywhere.”
And the duck said :”I will
“I have plenty of quacks inside my bill.”
Well, on that farm there was a dog
His job was to look scary and tough.
But he didn’t frighten anyone
Because he couldn’t say Woof
So the farmer had to show him.
“I want a woof-woof here.
A wood-woof there,
I want a woof-woof everywhere,”
And the dog said: “While I’m in the yard
“I’ll woof, because I’m on guard.”
And on that farm there was a hen
Who’d never learned to cluck
She was too busy pecking and
Scratching in the muck.
So the farmer had to show her.
“I want a cluck cluck here
A cluck cluck there
“I want a cluck-cluck everywhere.”
And the hen said: “Ok, OK,
“I’ll cluck-cluck every day.”
And the animals said to Old Mac
It was time he learned to sing
Whats the point of being in a good mood
If you only say everything?”
But the farmer had never learned
So animals had a go
Now you copy us they said
And he sang E-I-E-I-O
by admin | Jan 31, 2021 | Personally Speaking
Do yer want some?
Well, do yer?
Come close enough and’
We’ll stick it to yer.
Fancy yer chances?
Think you’re tough?
You’ll soon be yelling
You’ve had enough.
Because we’re nettles
An’ we’ve got barbs and stings
Instead of flowers and petals.
We don’t snarl or bite
We can’t make a scene
We’re just horribly ugly
An’ totally mean.
We hang around
Just being sly
Till an arm or leg
Brushes by
Then we get yer
Because we’re nettles
An’ we’ve got barbs and stings
Instead of flowers and petals.
AUTHOR’S NOTE: Don’t be fooled by nettles, they really do hate you. Think about it: nothing else feels their stings because all other animals are protected by fur, or hair, or feathers or a complete lack of nerves or brain. So the nettles have evolved their stings especially to hurt humans, no one else and just for the sake of it. They don’t offer protection because a scythe, a strimmer or a big stick soon sorts them out. Therefore, their stings are pure malice. You feel the sting and then it goes away, but two hours later it comes back and hurts all over again. They are sneaky and really do hate us. Left alone for another 10 million years they would evolve the ability to use poisoned daggers.
by admin | Jan 31, 2021 | Personally Speaking
The Duke of Edinburgh lit the grill
At the royal barbeque on the green
He turned to the honoured guests and said
“Gentlemen, let us toast the Queen.”
*
From Queens Club no
we have a tennis score for you
A close three-setter ended
Elizabeth I Elizabeth II
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