There was a young girl called Cymbeline
Who was every man’s midsummer night’s dream
Though two gents from Verona
Preferred Desdemona
Who’d perform as you like it, it seems
*
Said Pericles, she’s clearly a teaser
An untamed shrew this Lucretia!
Because measure for measure
I’ve heard she’s a pleasure
So for God’s sake Julius seize her.
We’d been watching an old cartoon
When you said, like all of a sudden,
I thought the bloke who played Gepetto was good
But I found Pinocchio a bit wooden.
A laugh jumped out of my mouth
And I said : No-one loves a critic.
But I was wrong. I fell for you
Now you’re my Jiminy Cricket.
First we wash the Muslims, then we wash the Jews
Next we wash the Christians, followed by Hindus;
We wash the Arabs and the Kurds
The Slavs, Magyars and Serbs
The Africans and the Asians
Aussies, Ruskies and Haitians
It’s not so much a madhouse
As an international bathhouse
And we invite our enemies and our friends in
For a party of ethnic cleansing
COWS
(A joke in rhyme)
There was I thinking cows were friendly
And never got in a bad moo-ed.
But I don’t think there’s a funny side now
I’ve seen the change in their attitude.
I was walking across a field
When a herd basking in the sun
Spotted me and charged
So, panicky, I began to run.
I was near the gate when I tripped and fell
Or I would have made it safe and sound
And on the hefty beasts came
As I crashed down to the ground.
They were mad those cows as they bore down on me,
They were bellowing and half-crazed
And I was about to be trampled or gored to death
But fortunately, I was only grazed.
(Think about it)
The thing about air
Is that it blows all about
And if you breathe in
Then you must also breathe out
Because if you breathe in
And forget to stop
You’ll just get bigger and bigger
And eventually you’ll go pop.
The thing about humans
Is that we grow taller and taller
There’d be much more room
If we grew smaller and smaller
The thing about the ground
Is that it’s useful to stand on
And if you’re up in a plane
It’s the best thing there is to land on
If you step outside for a walk
The ground is always there
It’s the only thing that stops you
Disappearing into thin air.
The thing about night-time
Is that it couldn’t be duller
It goes from grey to black and
Should be a different colour
Think how brighter it would be
If night were yellow or red
Or blue or pink or green
Or even purple and orange instead.
The thing about the sea
Is that it’s always going out
But it will come in again
Of that there is no doubt
If only it would stay in one place
Think of the effort it would save
No more hellos and goodbyes
Nor any need to wave.
The thing about dates
Is that they are accident prone
And though they must hurt themselves
You never hear them groan
New Year falls in January
Christmas falls in December
Valentines falls in February
Bonfire Night falls in November
And if you look at the calendar
It makes it quite clear
All the dates will fall again
In the same place next year.
The thing about stars
Is that you can’t see them in light
And that’s because someone
Puts them away at the end of each night;
But they also have to be put back
In their positions in the sky
Or those nosey astronomers
Will all want to know why.
Is their tales of suns by the billion
Of black holes and asteroid belts
And planets by the trillion
But if you could just drift into space
Or go cruising in a rocket.
You’d find stars are just twinkles
And you could fit them in your pocket.
The best time to go to the zoo
Is just after it closes
But before it gets dark is wise
You can always take a peek in
But it’s better if you sneak in
And remember your disguise
Because that’s the time they
Let the animals out to exercise.
Oh yes it is all very friendly
Not at all like they tell you
On all those TV wildlife shows;
Zebras and lions exchange their news
Like old mates in post office queues
Instead of coming to blows
Because they don’t bother with fighting
Once the zoo has closed.
Which is why you’ll see wildebeest
Going for a paddle and a chat
With his pal the crocodile;
Now his language has become cleaner
They’ll sit down with the hyena
Who will perhaps make them smile,
Though he laughs at his own jokes
It makes the listening more worthwile.
The rhino and the elephant
Will go for their evening stroll
And while they talk they’ll nibble some cake;
Now he doesn’t have to run
The cheetah has some fun
Hanging around with his pal the snake
Who is wrapped around his neck
While they go for a swim in the lake.
Because there is no-one to see them
The penguins can fly about
And drop some fish to the polar bear
The camels will take the chance
Of asking the bison for a dance
Of course, after she has combed her hair.
As a keeper shuffles some cards
And deals them to the giraffes
For the nightly game of snap
Between the animals and the staff.
In an hour they blow a whistle
Then they all get off to bed
And very soon you’ll hear them snore
When they get up for their food
They’re back in a bad mood
‘Cos they find the whole thing such a bore.
Doing nothing behind bars all day
Until its exercise time once more.
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