COLLECTING ANIMALS

by | Jan 31, 2021 | Personally Speaking

I was out in darkest Africa

Seeking animals for my zoo

When from behind a rock

Leapt an elephant who said BOO!

I was somewhat taken aback

I couldn’t believe my eyes

“W-Who are you?” I stammered.

“Ah,” he said: “I am the elephant of surprise.”

I came across two large birds

Reading Shakespeare over a carcass

You just can’t get the food

For we’d prefer petit de foie gras

But if you have access to Google

We suggest you con-sult yours

You’ll find we are a very rare

Mating pair of culture vul-tures

Africa’s a dangerous place

I found a woman close to death’s door

She was sweet and middle aged

But lying amid blood and gore

She had been hunted down and savaged

And I suspected it was a cheetah

But with her dying breath she told me

It was a favourite-aunt eater.

In the middle of the night I heard it

The sound I wanted in my zoo

Parp parp, Toot toot, parp parp

And Toot toot, Parp parp, Toot toot

What can it be? I asked all puzzled

But my guide declared, I Know!

For I have often listened to the call

Of the wild two-horned rhino.

THE DANGER OF DIETS

by | Jan 31, 2021 | Personally Speaking

She followed a diet with no sugar

She followed a diet with no fat

She followed a diet with no carbs

So how’d she cope with that?

Well,

they found she had no vitamins

And they found she had no protein

They found she had no minerals

And was thinner than she’d ever been.

Then

She got by without any fibre

She got by without any salt

She didn’t create any energy

And when she died it was all her own fault.

So

She slipped away quietly

Not the way most people feared

She was dieting right to the end

Upon which

                  she simply

                                    disappeared

LIMERICKS

by | Jan 31, 2021 | Personally Speaking

There was a man from Beirut

Who said, “I don’t give a hoot!

I’ll keep plucking my owl

As if it were fowl

There! Now it’s as bald as a coot.”

*

The new Bishop of Newport Pagnall

Could only move on the diagonal

But when he met his flock

He left them in shock

By walking down the aisle zig-zaganal

*

A bad tempered man from Fife

Found his marital rows running rife

She wouldn’t shut up, he said.

So he shot her, now she’s dead

Anything for a quiet wife

PLANE

by | Jan 31, 2021 | Personally Speaking

Stop work on the chocolate plane,

screamed the engineer in a panic

We have done all the tests and

It’s just not Aero-dynamic