by admin | Jan 31, 2021 | Personally Speaking
I have been commissioned by HMG
To map your beauty for all to see
With specific reference to
The scenic routes from A to B
My knowledge must be intimate
To every inch and its fraction
Because the legislation is in place
To declare you a natural attraction
I’ll need access to your heartland
My contours will ripple from there
I’ll traverse your undulations
Establish a private thoroughfare
I shall conquer your mountains
And descend into your valleys
I’ll march across your plains
And explore your entries and alleys.
People will recognise my symbols
For your eyes, your nose, your lips
All your tourists will want them
At their Googling fingertips
They want to know to the last degree
The angles of your elevations
And they want to experience them all
As ordnance survey revelations
by admin | Jan 31, 2021 | Personally Speaking
My woman’s got an eager beaver
It’s certainly very keen
It always wants to come and play
And she keeps it very clean.
She says it is her duty
To keep her beaver well prepared
You never know when it might be needed
So it’s always brushed and aired
She let me take photos of it
And post them on Facebook
There wasn’t a bloke in town
Who didn’t have a crafty look
Now lots of men visit her
You’d think she’d give it a rest
Yet it’s always ready for action
My mates are all impressed
They say show us your eager beaver luv
Can we give it a stroke and a pet
While I’m standing here wondering
Why her beaver’s so slippy and wet
Is it because it’s so excited?
So happy and so skilled?
I guess that’s the way beavers are
When there’s another dam to build.
by admin | Jan 31, 2021 | Personally Speaking
The boys scouts are demonstrating their knots
The WI serving lukewarm tea all day
There are flies already round the cake stall
And the tombola for some bath salts is under way;
The curate has started the snail race
But the snails are refusing to go
The bouncy castle is slowly deflating
Just two chihuahuas in the novelty dog show
There no prizes left in the Lucky Dip
Which was run by the vicar’s wife
Now she’s showing off her first aid skills
But there’s no queue for the kiss of life.
The choristers will be singing Jerusalem
Following a fashion show by girl guides
Next up the dancing from the bible class
And a limping donkey giving limp donkey rides
The vicar has begun his speech
And he hasn’t come up for breath
About half past two it starts to rain
At the church fete worse than death
Then the boys scouts kidnap a sidesman
And set fire to his trousers for fun
His yells are drowned by the noise
Of the curate firing his gun
As he mows down the Mother’s Union
To stop their incessant sobbing
For the chairlady has discovered to her cost
He’s put acid in the apple bobbing
Someone hid razor blades in the bran tub
Sloshed excess fuel on the charcoal too
Behind his beard the janitor’s face lit up
When he put a match to the barbeque
The WI are pulling fingernails
Of every member of the choir
The vicar’s wife has attacked her husband
And is garrotting him with wire
Shouting every year it’s the bloody same
Until she’s drawn every ounce of breath
Then at four at least it stops raining
At the church fete worse than death
by admin | Jan 31, 2021 | Personally Speaking
1: PLATFORM BLUES
There’s a mean train a coming
It should be rolling round the bend
Cept, it ain’t never left the station
And I’m stuck here till the end
Mmmm MMM mm Oh yeah
You treated me wrong woman
So I’m leaving you today
You’ll never see me again woman
If I ever get away
Got my one-way ticket to freedom
And I ain’t never coming back
I’d be a thousand miles gone now
But the wrong kinda snow’s on them tracks
Yeah, I got those platform blues real bad.
2: COLD CALL BLUES
I got this coldcallerman
Who rings about five
Sounds like he’s from India
But says his name is Clive
I say, hey, Coldcallerman
Don’t give me none of that jive
(Ahh dat’s what I done told him)
Cos I got all these problems
Piling up at my door
Bad mama’s on a cliff edge
And can’t take any more
She took all my money
An now she’s gone missin’
Shot my dog too, whoa-a
And I just need someone to listen
And Coldcallerman, he say, son
That sure is bad, oh my oh my
But I wonder if you’ve got a moment
To talk about PPI?
by admin | Jan 31, 2021 | Personally Speaking
The Second of April, 1801
Nelson’s greatest victory fought and won:
Copenhagen. You’ll have heard the story,
How he turned a blind eye to all but glory.
The most audacious act in naval history.
Sheer genius, but here’s the mystery…
While Nelson’s triumph at Trafalgar is celebrated,
His victory over Denmark is not commemorated.
The Danish ships were battered or ablaze
On one of England’s greatest days.
But where now are the tributes and accolades?
The memory of his courage allowed to fade.
Yet we have proud Days for VJ and VE,
Surely now we need a date for VD?
It’s time to remember why he was lauded
And how his men were rashly applauded;
The public fervour the crews generated,
When they returned from Denmark all venerated.
The Danish fleet were simply no match,
And it’s true our men were up to scratch.
But it was Nelson who led them across the sea,
Nelson who brought the nation VD
So, let the cry ring out: VD! VD! VD!
Horatio! Horatio! You gave us all VD!
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