I know you cannot understand why
I know it must hurt your feelings
That we try to splatter you
Across the windows and the ceilings
Well’ I’m afraid you’ll never know
A rolled up newspaper sees to that.
Just be grateful the end comes quickly
It’s all over in a thwack!
I was awakened this morning
By the singing of the birds
I don’t know why they bother
They clearly don’t know the words.
So I shouted SHURRUP!
Your singing only ever gets worse
Don’t be like that, said the Robin,
I’ve only reached the second verse.
Beware the undertaker
So keen he’s fit to burst
For he may have you in your coffin
Without you actually dying first
Beware the dentist pulling your teeth
And this is difficult to tell
For sometimes when your face is frozen
He’ll take out an eye as well.
Beware the forgetful surgeon
Who operates on your brain
He may take off the top of your head
And not put it back again
Beware delicious ice cream
With chocolate to adorn it
For often ice cream men
Put razor blades in the cornets
Beware the water park
When you should be at school
For those are days the lifeguard puts
An alligator in the pool
Beware the bushtucker grub
But if you order some
At least you don’t chew or swallow,
It makes its own way to your tum
A bear that is polar
Won’t drink Coca Cola
But a bear that is brown
Will guzzle it straight down
While a bear that is black
Will sick it straight back
A bear that is teddy
Will drink it when he’s ready
A bear that is koala
Will sip it in the parlour
A bear that is panda
Will want something grander
But a bear that is grizzly
Prefers something less fizzly
Don’t take advice from sayings
Clearly they never work
I tried it myself and now
I’m just feeling such a berk
It’s suppose to be what you need
But I’d never do it again
All I wanted was a pick-me-up
And all I got was pain.
For I was feeling depressed
And thought it wouldn’t do any harm
If I took my pistol and gave myself
A much needed shot in the arm.
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