MY DOG

I throw the ball, my dog brings it back

I throw the ball, my dog brings it back

I throw the ball, my dog brings it back

Go after go after go and still more goes

I throw the ball, my dog brings it back

I throw the ball, my dog brings it back

I throw the ball, my dog brings it back

I wished I’d taught him to play dominoes

I play a five, he plays a three

I play a two he plays a four

I play a blank, he plays a five

He doesn’t seem to have much trouble

I play a four, he plays a two,

I play a six he plays a three

I play a blank, he plays a one

And he ends up with a double.

My dog beat me at dominoes

My dog beat me at dominoes

My dog beat me at dominoes

I repeat it so I’ll believe it

My dog beat me at dominoes

He was getting out the dartboard

But I said, if you don’t mind I think I’ll leave it

 

GLUE

So what was he, er, doing when he, er….

“Died? There’s no need to be obtuse

He was screaming at a tube of glue

Saying it was ugly and of no use

That everything it tried to stick

Was certain to come lose

Then he keeled over – dead –

Another victim of solvent abuse.”

HIPPO

When I took my hippo to Tesco

He hadn’t been fed for a while

And he gobbled up a customer

When we reached the Fresh Food aisle.

I squirmed with embarrassment

And tried to apologise

But the manager was angry

Said: “I can’t believe my eyes.

“We’ll need a mop and bucket

“Look at the mess he’s made.

“It wouldn’t be so bad,

“But the bloke hadn’t even paid.

“Because of your hungry hippo

“I’ll have to telephone his wife.

“And explain how the weekly groceries

“Had cost her husband’s life.

“The woman is entitled to expect

‘Extra clubcard points at least

“It’s the little extra that helps

“When you are eaten by wild beasts.

“We like to boast at Tesco,

“There’s no savage animals in store.

“It hits our custom  very hard.

“When there’s bodies on the floor.

“If you have to die while in Tesco

“We’d want it to be pain free.

“So why don’t you take your hippo,

“And do your shopping at Aldi?”

EXPRESSIONS

I’m keeping up with the Joneses

I’ve kissed the Blarney stone

I’ve seen the error of my ways

And I’ll give the dog a bone

I’m a knight in shining armour

In the twinkling of an eye

I’ve jumped on the bandwagon

And I keep my powder dry

I’m all at sixes and sevens

At the drop of a hat

As sure as eggs are eggs

I’m as blind as a bat

I may play second fiddle

But I’m always as pleased as Punch

To swallow my pride

And eat the ploughman’s lunch

This is a fine kettle of fish

I need to pour cold water on

I live my life by expressions

When all is said and done

THE GENIE

I rubbed the lamp, a genie appeared

He said I had one wish and I thought that’s weird

In the stories I’ve read it’s always three

He said, well, it ain’t with me.

I’m a meanie genie.

One wish is all you get: take it or leave it.

One wish I said, that’s all I need

To get absolute power for my absolute greed

He said C’mon you’re not that clever

I said, ahh, but it will go on forever

Because I’m an arty-smarty

Here’s my wish and you’d better believe it…

I wish for three more wishes!