by admin | Jan 31, 2021 | Personally Speaking
Old McDonald had a farm
And on that farm there was a cow
Who hadn’t learned to moo
She simply didn’t know how
So old McDonald had to show her
“I want a moo moo here
A moo moo there
I want a moo moo, everywhere.”
And the cow said, “Oh!
“All right, I’ll give it a go.”
Now on that farm there was a goat
Who always wanted to eat
But she had never bothered to learn
How to utter a single bleat
So the farmer had to show her,
“I want a bleat, bleat here
A bleat, bleat there.
I want a bleat, bleat everywhere,`”
And goat said,”Right you are.
“It’s easy to go Baah.”
And on the farm there was a horse
So busy eating hay
She’d never learned
Between bites, horses should say “Neigh.”
So the farmer had to show her.
“I want a neigh neigh here
A neigh neigh there
I want a neigh neigh everywhere.”
And the horse said “ Right.
“I’ll do it every morning and night.”
Now on that farm there was a duck
And the farmer was taken aback
To learn the duck
Had never learned to quack.
So he had to show her.
“I want a quack, quack here.
“A quack, there there.
“I want a quack quack everywhere.”
And the duck said :”I will
“I have plenty of quacks inside my bill.”
Well, on that farm there was a dog
His job was to look scary and tough.
But he didn’t frighten anyone
Because he couldn’t say Woof
So the farmer had to show him.
“I want a woof-woof here.
A wood-woof there,
I want a woof-woof everywhere,”
And the dog said: “While I’m in the yard
“I’ll woof, because I’m on guard.”
And on that farm there was a hen
Who’d never learned to cluck
She was too busy pecking and
Scratching in the muck.
So the farmer had to show her.
“I want a cluck cluck here
A cluck cluck there
“I want a cluck-cluck everywhere.”
And the hen said: “Ok, OK,
“I’ll cluck-cluck every day.”
And the animals said to Old Mac
It was time he learned to sing
Whats the point of being in a good mood
If you only say everything?”
But the farmer had never learned
So animals had a go
Now you copy us they said
And he sang E-I-E-I-O
by admin | Jan 31, 2021 | Personally Speaking
Do yer want some?
Well, do yer?
Come close enough and’
We’ll stick it to yer.
Fancy yer chances?
Think you’re tough?
You’ll soon be yelling
You’ve had enough.
Because we’re nettles
An’ we’ve got barbs and stings
Instead of flowers and petals.
We don’t snarl or bite
We can’t make a scene
We’re just horribly ugly
An’ totally mean.
We hang around
Just being sly
Till an arm or leg
Brushes by
Then we get yer
Because we’re nettles
An’ we’ve got barbs and stings
Instead of flowers and petals.
AUTHOR’S NOTE: Don’t be fooled by nettles, they really do hate you. Think about it: nothing else feels their stings because all other animals are protected by fur, or hair, or feathers or a complete lack of nerves or brain. So the nettles have evolved their stings especially to hurt humans, no one else and just for the sake of it. They don’t offer protection because a scythe, a strimmer or a big stick soon sorts them out. Therefore, their stings are pure malice. You feel the sting and then it goes away, but two hours later it comes back and hurts all over again. They are sneaky and really do hate us. Left alone for another 10 million years they would evolve the ability to use poisoned daggers.
by admin | Jan 31, 2021 | Personally Speaking
The Duke of Edinburgh lit the grill
At the royal barbeque on the green
He turned to the honoured guests and said
“Gentlemen, let us toast the Queen.”
*
From Queens Club no
we have a tennis score for you
A close three-setter ended
Elizabeth I Elizabeth II
by admin | Jan 31, 2021 | Personally Speaking
Natter Natter Natter Natter Natter Natter Natter
My gran could talk night and day
Chatter Chatter Chatter Chatter Chatter Chatter Chatter
It she ever stops it’s only because
She’s trying to think of something to say
Yakkity Yakkity Yakkity Yakkity Yakkity
She’d talk for England if she could
Clackety Clackety Clackety Clackety Clackety
And now I come to think of it
England wishes she would
We’d beat Brazil home and away
Germany wouldn’t stand a chance
We’d thrash Portugal and Argentina
And win nine-nil against France.
She’d run rings around Russia
Prattling on like she’s insane
She’d even learn to gossip in Spanish
If it meant getting the better of Spain
She’d talk the hind leg off a donkey
She doesn’t need to practice much
And she be twice as good as Holland
Because she talks double-Dutch
And after we beat Italy
In the final of the Talking World Cup
She’d say she was just getting started
And had no intention of shutting up
But sometime she’d have to retire
And she wouldn’t scream or squawk
Because she’s landed a job
As assistant manager of TalkTalk
by admin | Jan 31, 2021 | Personally Speaking
It’s Christmas Eve,
A minute to midnight.
You should be excited,
But something’s not right.
You’re nowhere near sleepy
And your eyes should be shut tight
There’s something creepy,
About the house tonight.
A slow frost and a weak moon
The night’s in no rush
Nothing’s out of place just a weird
Unsettling, spine shivery, hush.
THE DOOR!
The bedroom door begins to open.
Creaking just a little
Someone does not want to wake you
But you are alert
You catch your breath
It is someone you know?
Is it? Is it?
A dark figure
In a dark cloak
Under a dark hood.
And you cannot see his face
He’s getting closer, closer
Your eyes are drawn to his sleeves
Something slowly, slowly emerges
His hands,
HIS HANDS!
They catch the light from the moon
You can see them now
They glisten
They are metal
The fingers are long and sharp as bayonets
They would rip out your throat
Or probe your brain through your eyes
Or tear out your heart.
They are not hands, they are talons
He laughs. Not ho-ho-ho
But Aaaahh-ha-ha.
A cackle.
And you try to scream, but you can’t
His hands are above you now
And you know, Oh yes you know
In that moment of deathly pause
As he reaches down for your face
It’s Santa Claws.
Recent Comments