by admin | Jan 31, 2021 | Personally Speaking
The thing about air
Is that it blows all about
And if you breathe in
Then you must also breathe out
Because if you breathe in
And forget to stop
You’ll just get bigger and bigger
And eventually you’ll go pop.
The thing about humans
Is that we grow taller and taller
There’d be much more room
If we grew smaller and smaller
The thing about the ground
Is that it’s useful to stand on
And if you’re up in a plane
It’s the best thing there is to land on
If you step outside for a walk
The ground is always there
It’s the only thing that stops you
Disappearing into thin air.
The thing about night-time
Is that it couldn’t be duller
It goes from grey to black and
Should be a different colour
Think how brighter it would be
If night were yellow or red
Or blue or pink or green
Or even purple and orange instead.
The thing about the sea
Is that it’s always going out
But it will come in again
Of that there is no doubt
If only it would stay in one place
Think of the effort it would save
No more hellos and goodbyes
Nor any need to wave.
The thing about dates
Is that they are accident prone
And though they must hurt themselves
You never hear them groan
New Year falls in January
Christmas falls in December
Valentines falls in February
Bonfire Night falls in November
And if you look at the calendar
It makes it quite clear
All the dates will fall again
In the same place next year.
The thing about stars
Is that you can’t see them in light
And that’s because someone
Puts them away at the end of each night;
But they also have to be put back
In their positions in the sky
Or those nosey astronomers
Will all want to know why.
Is their tales of suns by the billion
Of black holes and asteroid belts
And planets by the trillion
But if you could just drift into space
Or go cruising in a rocket.
You’d find stars are just twinkles
And you could fit them in your pocket.
by admin | Jan 31, 2021 | Personally Speaking
The best time to go to the zoo
Is just after it closes
But before it gets dark is wise
You can always take a peek in
But it’s better if you sneak in
And remember your disguise
Because that’s the time they
Let the animals out to exercise.
Oh yes it is all very friendly
Not at all like they tell you
On all those TV wildlife shows;
Zebras and lions exchange their news
Like old mates in post office queues
Instead of coming to blows
Because they don’t bother with fighting
Once the zoo has closed.
Which is why you’ll see wildebeest
Going for a paddle and a chat
With his pal the crocodile;
Now his language has become cleaner
They’ll sit down with the hyena
Who will perhaps make them smile,
Though he laughs at his own jokes
It makes the listening more worthwile.
The rhino and the elephant
Will go for their evening stroll
And while they talk they’ll nibble some cake;
Now he doesn’t have to run
The cheetah has some fun
Hanging around with his pal the snake
Who is wrapped around his neck
While they go for a swim in the lake.
Because there is no-one to see them
The penguins can fly about
And drop some fish to the polar bear
The camels will take the chance
Of asking the bison for a dance
Of course, after she has combed her hair.
As a keeper shuffles some cards
And deals them to the giraffes
For the nightly game of snap
Between the animals and the staff.
In an hour they blow a whistle
Then they all get off to bed
And very soon you’ll hear them snore
When they get up for their food
They’re back in a bad mood
‘Cos they find the whole thing such a bore.
Doing nothing behind bars all day
Until its exercise time once more.
by admin | Jan 31, 2021 | Personally Speaking
I write limericks
And I write sonnets
(Together)
We are totally obsessed
We have bees in our bonnets
I have fourteen lines
And I have just five
I can make my words waltz
And I can make mine jive
My rhymes are all a joke
I am here to make you laugh
My rhymes are for lovers
Who haven’t had a bath
I can make you sigh
But I can make you grin
I can bring a tear to your eye
If I kick you on your shin
I write of red, red roses
How they open, like my heart
And how the scent of them will carry
Half the distance of a fart
I know you are from Dundee
And I yearn for your embrace
With barnacles all on one knee
And seaweed all over your face
I will write earnestly of love
I of an old woman from somewhere
And how I shall count the stars above
Waving her knickers in the air.
I will say I love you for ever
And swear I’ll always be true
We’ll always hold each other’s hand
Cos’ they’re stuck with superglue.
If music be the food of love
Then make mine a sausage roll
My hunger grows all the more
For sloppy custard in a bowl.
by admin | Jan 31, 2021 | Personally Speaking
Sometimes scientists go too far
And what they do isn’t nice
Like crossing a cat and a parrot
To make a carrot that chases mice
Now scientists down our way
Got my Uncle Jim in a tiz
By crossing an antelope and a lizard
And coming up with my Aunt Liz
There were scientists who found
They had no dessert left to eat
So they crossed a fruit bat and magpie
And their fruit pie went down a treat
They wanted a bird to dance a ballet
So crossed a toucan with a cockatoo
I don’t know if they made a dancer
But at least they’d got a tutu
There was a scientist called Old McDonald
Who took a cow and emu as a pair
And now on his farm in Scotland
He’s got moo-mus everywhere
They are checking the oddest combination
For the first signs of any hairs
Before introducing to the world
A tank of tadpolar bears
by admin | Jan 31, 2021 | Personally Speaking
She was called Festerbestertester
And embarrassed by her name
For her classmates laughed at her
And she held her parents to blame.
“Oh, mum why couldn’t you have picked
Sue or Sharon or Sam or something similar
Felicity, Fiona or Fizz
Or something quite familiar
What’s the matter with you and dad
What were you thinking at the time
It’s one thing having a stupid name
Quite another one that rhymes
Mum was stern when she replied
Don’t feel embarrassment or shame
The Festerbestertesters go back in history
And we are proud of the family name
When Julius Caesar invaded Britain
He made his capital at Cirencester
And who do you think he put in charge
Luigi Festerbestertester
Whenever Henry Xlll got married
He was entertained by his court jester
And his wives laughed their heads clean off
At Charlie Festerbestertester
There was only one man for the first Elizabeth
And he was the Earl of Leicester
And she never loved another
Until she met Shakespeare Festerbestertester
Now when Lord Nelson hit a storm
And called for his sou’wester
Who do you think brought it him
But Captain Festerbestertester
In the history of the Church of Rome
The Italians say who issa besta
The Eenglishman, they all agree,
Pope Paul Festerbestertester
And who revolutionised fashion
By inventing polyester
It wasn’t Marks or Spencer
But Professor Festerbestertester.
So you see my daughter
Why you should shout your name out loud
It’s not to be ashamed of
We have done our country proud.
Oh mum you don’t listen
I am proud of our family
I am angry you took so little thought
When you chose a name for me
All the kids take the mick
They laugh at me all the time
Because how you picked my name
So it became one long rhyme…
Mum, why did you have to call me ESTHER?
Recent Comments